I'm sorry.. I don't speak Spanish.

Bong Joon-Ho has go a new movie out soon, Mother. His earlier effort Memories Of Murder is one of my favourite films a truly unique police thriller.

To cut a long story short I was searching for his films on eBay and came across Barking Dogs Never Bite. I knew it was a black comedy but looked at the description for a more in-depth summary:

"Fierce as a mad" is properly definite to an idle part-tim college lecturer.During class while he was discussing,the yapping sound as dog barking annoyed him.It gets him nerves.He waits for a little while until he is certain that a dog wills never non-stop bark,so he decides to take a drastic action to a pity dog! Be warned,Pet lovers are going to be shocked and maybe outrage after seeing!"

Glad that's cleared up then.

Kirk Douglas is not the only Viking.

Oh hey there film industry! My name is Nicolas Winding Refn and I'm here to shake you up.

Mr Grumples Gets Monged Out.

Gran Torino. Gran Fucking Torino. What a stinker.

Although Clint Eastwood now looks like a shell-less turtle and sounds like Papa Lazarou doing an impression of The Dark Knight, he can still command the screen. A presence that could never dull due to the incredible body of work behind it, Clint still remains witty, intimidating and at times ferocious. And this is the problem, Clint is so good, he easily outshines the rest of the cast, spotlighting how incredibly bad their acting is. Are the Mong cast even actors, or just there because they're Mong? How Clint's character develops any kind of bond with the uncharismatic kid next door is beyond me. The dude can barely speak his lines, and please, look away when any emotion is required because you'll want to clench your teeth so tightly in embarrassment they'll shatter down your chest like tic tacs.

The ending is so disappointing, so easy and sentimental I honestly wondered if this was the same film everyone has been wanking on about. I know its an Eastwood joint, but I think people are getting 'effortless' confused with a film that just couldn't have any less effort put into it. What is the deal with everyone just accepting mediocrity?

Hamfisted ideas of 'why can't we all get along' are bludgeoned into our eyeballs, but it just doesn't work. I was going to say something about the scene where Clint looks at himself in the mirror and actually says what he wants you to think about the parallels and differences between his family and the family next door, but I can't remember what he says now, but look out for it as a total low point for movie subtlety. How can a legendary film maker responsible for some of my favourite films sink so low? If you want a film chock full of the complexities of awkward relationships, the notion of growing old and emotion that isn't from a Hallmark card, watch 'Thunderbolt and Lightfoot'.

The one thing this film does tell us, is that racism is funny. Think about it, what parts of the film did you laugh at? Yeah, that's right, when he said 'slope'. Funny.

3Mix

Britains first all asian boyband. Their debut single has been co-written by Ex-Blue member Lee Ryan. A fine pedigree.

3Mix's own manager had this to say to the BBC:

"Asians are long established in Britain - let's face it, everyone loves curry - but there is a perception that Asians are just not cool,"

Well done then 3Mix for subverting that perception.

Is it wrong of me to find both that quote and picture hilarious?

Fail

Apologies for the Tim Roth blog. It's badly written. You get the idea.

Tim Woff

It's such a shame when actors trickle off and begin to shun the exciting, fiery roles that they made their name with for more simple, easy fluff (I'm looking at you De Niro, yes I know you're the only one there that is why I am looking at you. Yes I am looking at you, I cannot make this any clearer). Tim Roth while never any ones favourite actor seems to be doing that with Skellig, a new fantasy drama on TV this Easter.
Can we all just get over these kids fantasy films please, they are all the same, and I'm getting pretty bored of them. In fact so bored I've written my own: Dinglefart Bumblecunt, in which a bullied little pissflap is magically transported to an alternate London, ruled over by Joris The Bonsen and his Kamaroo birds (they are a metaphor for cctv. What I did was take the word 'camera' and work back from there). Our little pissflap makes friends with a Hooded Mooslam named Dinglefart, a half Moose half human monstrosity that always wears a black robe (metaphor for a Muslim) and although at first scarey helps take down Joris through friendship and kindness and freeing the dominated populace at the same time. Pissflap is then transported back home where he finds he was just locked in hs garden shed and had succumbed to turps fumes. I'm asking Tim Roth if he wants in, because I recently watched both 'Made in Britain' and 'The Hit' and he is incredible in both and I know he can handle it. Both films show a raw, unpolished, utterly convincing Roth making full use of his terrifying sneery grin. I was going to write about them both in detail, but you should just rent them or something, the very least you could do is watch their trailers on Youtube you lazy git. Tsk, the things I do for you. Both films get 9 cockney hoodlums out of 10.

Santa Esmeralda

Yeah, it's the theme tune to The Good The Bad And The Weird, deal with it.

We Love You Grandad

I haven't got a Grandad, a Grampy, a Gramps or a Pops. I see people laughing and sneering at me in the street, calling me 'Grampless' or 'Popnought' I try to ignore them but I hear them alright, their laughter chattering in my ears like cicadas.
I had Nanas but no Papas, they had both passed over (died, not turned gay) by the time I had cognitive thought. Now I'm doomed to see people my age skipping round the town centre with their Grampa's, rubbing it in my face, throwing boiled sweets into each others mouths and whittling pieces of wood and generally having tons of other pensioner orientated fun. I need to claim me a Grandad, and as it's my game I have first dibs. I choose Alan Whicker. No, not Forrest Whitaker, you weren't listening. Alan Whicker.
If you don't know who he is, then this time I'll forgive you as he hasn't been on TV for years. He's the old guard, a walking piece of nostalgia and a nod to a time when TV wasn't all Horden and Corne. He made television that was actually interesting; social commentary pieces documenting parts of the world most of the UK had yet to see. Always charming, effortlessly dressed in a double breasted suit, tie and matching handkerchief in his pocket (sometimes, if in a hot climate sporting a white panama) Whicker provided a gentle satire and a passage to the unknown.
Although now looking exactly like a melding of both Statler and Waldorf should they have tried out the matter transporter from The Fly, his quick wit and dapper manner have not left him. When two interviewees begin to say how much they love each other in his latest programme, Whicker calmly states 'I'm going to be sick'.
He is currently reviewing all his past documentaries in 'Whickers Journey Of A lifetime' on BBC2 and on the iplayer. You should check it out, it's like Louis Theroux without the faux ignorance, more panache and a damn site more panama hats. Plus he's my Grandad now, it'd be rude not to.

"Grampy, what did you do in the war?"

"Brought in a load of German SS officers in Milan, get over it."

Pretty Good.

Iggle Piggle

Iggy Pop may now look like a half deflated sex doll flogging insurance in a teeth grittingly irritating advert, but we can't ignore that at one point this man was pretty damn cool. Admired (to the hilt, alledgedly) by David Bowie, his powerful, feral stage presence often over shadowed his inquisitvie and dare I say it, intellectual mind. Pick out any past interviews and he always has valid, erudite points to make. Charming, modest and witty (even when toothless) he can only be described as a true Rock 'N' Roll icon.
Although The Idiot and Lust For Life attract the most attention, probably due to interest in Bowies production, it's New Values that I feel truly gives a balanced picture of Iggy Pop. New Wave, Punk and Kraut Rock all merge into a bizarre, laid back, jumped up sneering leering record that sounds like Lux Interior trying to seduce Talking Heads.

Good Video

Kasabian - Vlad the Impaler from Kasabian on Vimeo.

Shame it's for Kasabian. Looks a lot like the Bitchkiller vid, so I assume Dean Learner himself directed. I'm probably wrong, I usually am. Is it just me or do Kasabian sound like Chemical Bros circa '96?

Advertising

My day at work, like most people in front of a computer usually entails trawling through ebay and impulse buying anything vaguely of interest. The vintage clothes section is my jumping off point. Leather jackets are usually under the header 'fight club' or 'pimp' or some other illogical bullshit no matter the cut, but today I came across this young entrepreneur. He's cornered a niche market for selling leather jackets, which is to wear a ww2 Biggles helmet and hold a raygun under the banner of 'steam punk'. Fingers crossed for all those nerds still living in 1994, reading tank girl comics and discussing if Deckard really is a replicant to rush bid. Hats (biggles helmets) off to him for originality.

PS: Of course, he's from Nottingham.

Night Of The Creeps

Night Of The Creeps is going to get a full dvd release this Halloween. The most underrated splatter film of the 80s is gonna get cleaned up, polished and buffed, rendering those bootleg eBay copies looking about as tidy as an Italian Village.

Grand Gnasher-nal

Although looking like a Bo Selecta mask herself, Clare Balding got in trouble over a remark made about Grand National winner Liam Treadwell's gob. Let's be fair he has a clear cut case of sweetcorn teeth, but this story reads like an Alan Partridge script.

Ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

David Bowie's Teeth

Up next Brain Eno's hairline. Stay tuned.

Plans For A Better Life.

Step 1: Strip and paint myself in Marmite.

Step 2: Glue some flys to my eyelid and lip.

Step 3: Force out my stomach.

Step 4: Hope Madonna spots me and adopts me.

Four Mistakes Made By Topman

All these monstrosities were in the Topman 'new items' section. Someone needs firing. Hooded shirts? No. All over skull prints? No. Dungarees? No. Red leopard print? Good lord no.

Not Quite Hollywood.

Documentary films. My pet peeve about documentaries is they never usually have enough film/video footage of the subject they are banging on about. This has filmatists leaning heavily on still photographs and resorting to just moving a camera in and out of them, or winding around them trying to fool the viewer into thinking what they are watching is active. You can't fool me documentarists I'm onto you.This will not wash, so stop doing it. Luckily the film 'Not Quite Hollywood' doesn't have that, what it does have is an abundance of awsome footage of Australian exploitation films, the stories behind which are beyond bonkers. Stuntmen killed, girls bribed to strip, washed up actors brought over on the cheap, and lest we forget Dennis Hopper at his most crazy (late 70s Dennis Hopper, high, drunk and psychotic, marauding shoeless through a graveyard smashing up headstones.) Relaxed censorship laws allowed genre/trash filmakers to go nuts in 70s Australia heaping on the boob fondling bloodletting and injury baiting action like never before. Of course a few genuine classics slipped through like Mad Max and Road Games for example, but it's the crap like Fantasm, Stunt Rock and Turkey Shoot that provide the meat of this doc and much of the humour. Even the presence of Quentin 'I'll fucking steal anyones ideas me' Tarantino can't hamper this film. Seriously, check it out. My film of the year so far, I give it 9 floppy 70s tits out of 10.

My Love Lives In The Sewers

What the..?!?


Mi Amore Vive En Las Alcantarillas

Crackers. Absolutely crackers.

You Looky You Likey

Ricky Gervais

That cunt from Glasvegas.

Fashion Does Have A Sense Of Humour!

Merci French Vogue and also Jezebel!



As Jezebel points out, can you imagine the outrage if this was done anywhere but France?

The Mechanic : Murder is just killing without a license

Pff. No way can Bronsons 'tach even keep pace with Nicholsons. Charles Bronsons face looks like a shoelace drapped over a squinting walnut, completely out of the moustache race I'm afraid.

A mechanic is the Mobs term for a hitman by the way, the only reason I can figure for this is they give bizarre and vague pricing structures for a job that isn't as complicated as it might seem.

My favourite line: 'Yeah, I heard something like that sometime'. What?

My favourite scene: A bonkers house party with a fully dressed couple in a bathtub being watched by a pig on a dresser. Insane.

Although the storyline of up-and-coming hitman tutelage may seem like a prequel to Leon, it really isn't. There is no link to Leon in anyway, and you shouldn't trouble yourself thinking about it.

PS: Calm down dear, the film was directed by Michael Winner, no wonder it was dooples.

Moustache Of The Week

The Last Detail sees Jack Nicholson in fine fucking form. And check out that creepy beauty slithering across his top lip. Any character with the nick name of 'Badass' has got my instant attention. Billy Buddusky I salute you and your facial hair. Watch your back though son, I'm watching The Mechanic tonight with Charles Bronson