I'm sorry.. I don't speak Spanish.

Bong Joon-Ho has go a new movie out soon, Mother. His earlier effort Memories Of Murder is one of my favourite films a truly unique police thriller.

To cut a long story short I was searching for his films on eBay and came across Barking Dogs Never Bite. I knew it was a black comedy but looked at the description for a more in-depth summary:

"Fierce as a mad" is properly definite to an idle part-tim college lecturer.During class while he was discussing,the yapping sound as dog barking annoyed him.It gets him nerves.He waits for a little while until he is certain that a dog wills never non-stop bark,so he decides to take a drastic action to a pity dog! Be warned,Pet lovers are going to be shocked and maybe outrage after seeing!"

Glad that's cleared up then.

Kirk Douglas is not the only Viking.

Oh hey there film industry! My name is Nicolas Winding Refn and I'm here to shake you up.

Mr Grumples Gets Monged Out.

Gran Torino. Gran Fucking Torino. What a stinker.

Although Clint Eastwood now looks like a shell-less turtle and sounds like Papa Lazarou doing an impression of The Dark Knight, he can still command the screen. A presence that could never dull due to the incredible body of work behind it, Clint still remains witty, intimidating and at times ferocious. And this is the problem, Clint is so good, he easily outshines the rest of the cast, spotlighting how incredibly bad their acting is. Are the Mong cast even actors, or just there because they're Mong? How Clint's character develops any kind of bond with the uncharismatic kid next door is beyond me. The dude can barely speak his lines, and please, look away when any emotion is required because you'll want to clench your teeth so tightly in embarrassment they'll shatter down your chest like tic tacs.

The ending is so disappointing, so easy and sentimental I honestly wondered if this was the same film everyone has been wanking on about. I know its an Eastwood joint, but I think people are getting 'effortless' confused with a film that just couldn't have any less effort put into it. What is the deal with everyone just accepting mediocrity?

Hamfisted ideas of 'why can't we all get along' are bludgeoned into our eyeballs, but it just doesn't work. I was going to say something about the scene where Clint looks at himself in the mirror and actually says what he wants you to think about the parallels and differences between his family and the family next door, but I can't remember what he says now, but look out for it as a total low point for movie subtlety. How can a legendary film maker responsible for some of my favourite films sink so low? If you want a film chock full of the complexities of awkward relationships, the notion of growing old and emotion that isn't from a Hallmark card, watch 'Thunderbolt and Lightfoot'.

The one thing this film does tell us, is that racism is funny. Think about it, what parts of the film did you laugh at? Yeah, that's right, when he said 'slope'. Funny.

3Mix

Britains first all asian boyband. Their debut single has been co-written by Ex-Blue member Lee Ryan. A fine pedigree.

3Mix's own manager had this to say to the BBC:

"Asians are long established in Britain - let's face it, everyone loves curry - but there is a perception that Asians are just not cool,"

Well done then 3Mix for subverting that perception.

Is it wrong of me to find both that quote and picture hilarious?

Fail

Apologies for the Tim Roth blog. It's badly written. You get the idea.

Tim Woff

It's such a shame when actors trickle off and begin to shun the exciting, fiery roles that they made their name with for more simple, easy fluff (I'm looking at you De Niro, yes I know you're the only one there that is why I am looking at you. Yes I am looking at you, I cannot make this any clearer). Tim Roth while never any ones favourite actor seems to be doing that with Skellig, a new fantasy drama on TV this Easter.
Can we all just get over these kids fantasy films please, they are all the same, and I'm getting pretty bored of them. In fact so bored I've written my own: Dinglefart Bumblecunt, in which a bullied little pissflap is magically transported to an alternate London, ruled over by Joris The Bonsen and his Kamaroo birds (they are a metaphor for cctv. What I did was take the word 'camera' and work back from there). Our little pissflap makes friends with a Hooded Mooslam named Dinglefart, a half Moose half human monstrosity that always wears a black robe (metaphor for a Muslim) and although at first scarey helps take down Joris through friendship and kindness and freeing the dominated populace at the same time. Pissflap is then transported back home where he finds he was just locked in hs garden shed and had succumbed to turps fumes. I'm asking Tim Roth if he wants in, because I recently watched both 'Made in Britain' and 'The Hit' and he is incredible in both and I know he can handle it. Both films show a raw, unpolished, utterly convincing Roth making full use of his terrifying sneery grin. I was going to write about them both in detail, but you should just rent them or something, the very least you could do is watch their trailers on Youtube you lazy git. Tsk, the things I do for you. Both films get 9 cockney hoodlums out of 10.

Santa Esmeralda

Yeah, it's the theme tune to The Good The Bad And The Weird, deal with it.